Dear Grandma,

Today I was busy taking care of laundry, taking care of dishes, and your four grandchildren however, I never forgotten that today or yesterday was your birthday. I think I might have calculated it right you would have been 96 years old this year. I still can't believe it's been seven years since you've passed. We all think about you often and wonder how you are doing. I have this poem held in an rough sage green wooden frame with plastic glass and a rose from your funeral lying on the bottom still holding together. I pass this every time I go to bed or help put the little ones to bed, the poem that your grandson wrote that my brother wrote that shall never ever be forgotten because it is fervently about you. I want to type it up in my blog to somehow remember and relieve the memory of you.

                                                   Departures


I tried to remember a time without you, when they told you'd gone.  I tried, but failed, to recall memories in which you weren't waiting patiently, quietly at the other end of the phone, at the other side of town, at an unassuming place just back of center stage to appear when the time was right.

When they told you'd gone I thought of Easter egg hunts in your backyard, of Christmas mornings as you entered, bags stuffed to ripping with presents. I thought of Saturdays at the park feeding ducks, of popsicles that you could break in two, of the 4th of July at Sugarhouse Park, a young boy wrapped snug in a tattered wool blanket, fireworks flashing through the dark above us.

When they told you'd gone i wondered where to, and how long. I wondered what sights you were off seeing and imagined how you'd look when you returned, when the bus pulled up and you stepped off, slightly tanned, road-wary but smiling, eager to retrieve your luggage and take us back to your house where you would show us mementos from your journeys.

When they told me you'd gone I remembered your permanence, your consistency, your love. I remembered the five children you would spend your weekends without fail--dark-haired, dark-eyed, dark skinned. Children who knew nothing of the world you came from--of its expectations, of its pride, who knew only that you were there and in being there that you loved them, entirely, completely, without fail.

 

When they told me you'd gone I pictured your house, a vessel without a pilot: its warm rooms and hallways that once held our childish laughter grown quiet. The echoes of our footsteps departing with you as you stepped from one life into the other. The water stilled, the vessel moored, abandoned now, silent.

When they told me you'd gone i thought of all the things i hadn't yet told you--of the photos you hadn't yet seen. My youngest child is eight months old Grandma--and walking. You haven't yet met her--held her, and she's changed so much since the last photo we sent.

When they told me you'd gone my heart leapt, and I thought of the young woman I'd seen in a picture taken decades ago--youthful, clear-eyed, beautiful. I thought of her stepping clear of her body as one stepping from a broken down automobile, slamming the door on it finally and walking away free, the cool wind on her neck, her eyes firmly facing future. 

                                                                                                                      September 2005

                                                                                                                     For Grandma Lloyd

                                                                                                                               -Erik Levy

Town home sweet town home

I had been promising people I would post pictures of our town home and kept procrastinating taking pictures because I was either unpacking boxes or had messy rooms and was embarrassed to show. Now it is my honor to present to you all our town home that we are renting for a year.

This is our boys room, I recently put away the play n pack for Ali since he is now in Tommy's old toddler bed. Tommy of course still likes to sneak out of the room in the middle of the night to sleep in his sisters' room, he is still used to sleeping with them from when we were living in Utah.

Here is our entertainment room where we sit and relax for tv time, girls doing homework, naps, guest visitors, etc..

Here is the outside of our townhouse and front door, we love the brick design. It's been a good home for us.

This is the front of our town home, we got convenient parking spots for whoever wants to visit *hint hint ;) We live across the Occoquan Bay Wildlife Refuge. There are a lot of boats that are parked at this bay, it almost reminds me of the bay I saw in Seattle. It's a beautiful bay.

Here are our stairs going upstairs to all three bedrooms, a lot of stairs to climb everyday!

 This picture is kind of blurry but thought i add it to show where the stairs go to upstairs and to the downstairs.  Our kitchen is behind Keona as you can spot the kitchen table and chairs.

 The master bathroom's jacuzzi.

 This is the master's bathroom, it isn't too organized so pardon that. :D

 The nice thing about this townhouse is we have the washer and dryer on the second floor which is the same floor as our bedrooms. Easy to transfer clothes back and forth.

And here are the last stairs (more stairs i know) that go to our front door which is on first floor and our garage as well which is behind the stairs. It is also the same stairs I fell down on, ooof it hurter. We will be putting down stair treads thanks to our landlord's approval today, yay!
Anyway I hope you guys enjoyed the pictures I posted at last, ah i feel a huge relief I finally posted this blog. Good night! :-)

It's all good

I always love when fridays come because then I don't have to share my family with school or a job, I get them all to myself. This weekend we decided to go to the mountains, we went to Catoctin mountains for a beautiful scenery drive. We drove through so many beautiful countrysides with farms and homes of variety sizes, got deli sandwiches, we passed the Appalachian trail, and went to the pumpkin cannon with corn maze which we touched eight years ago when found out I was pregnant with Keona. We had such an amazing time and we enjoyed every minute!

I seem to be having trouble downloading the rest of the pictures of this weekend :( I shall try again later with the hubby's help. This week-end was too fun and now it is sunday night getting ready to start a new week. It was pretty amazing going back to the corn maze where 9 years ago Adam and I went with some friends of ours Don and Miriam on a beautiful scenery drive to the corn maze and pumpkin cannon. We walked around the maze and I felt weak and tired, was not feeling good at all so Adam ended up pushing me around in Eva's stroller while she was on my lap. Later that week went to a doctor appointment and found out I was pregnant with our second child, Keona Christine Schafer. Who would have thought 9 years later we would find ourselves back at that corn maze with three more children. It was pretty surreal with Adam taking a picture of Keona by the corn maze makes it one of the most amazing things that happened to us in our lives. 

In church today as Adam and I were sitting in sunday school Brother Eric Spanbauer was teaching us about the difference between having just a spirit and having spirit along with a body, talking about the pre mortal life and the war in heaven. What struck me was when we were just in spirit body we felt no pain, i turn to Adam and I was thinking how amazing would that be if we were no longer in pain. Then after that talked about how we never experience full joy if we hadn't come down on earth to get bodies or have children. If i had to start over again pick having just a spirit body or come down to earth to get a body, I would do the the latter even though my body has so much pain and getting older i don't regret all we have experience and have. We have four beautiful and amazing children and a live that keeps us on our heels and an adventure in every corner. We have the good life and these trials we have just makes us stronger and helps us rely on our God even more. We have a bumper sticker on our van I love to always apply to everything we do "It's all good!" 

The change

I had been wanting to update my blog for awhile and finally tonight I decided to just do it. I could not believe my eyes when I saw the last time I was on my blog was in December of 2012, that is just rather sad! Anyhow, I'm glad to be back. So to my family and friends if you see me on here, I say HI and miss you all!

It has been two months about since we've moved out here to Woodbridge, Virginia. I had forgotten so much about the east since the last time we were here back in 2004 when Eva was 3. I had forgotten all the bad traffic on I-95, how green and vast it is out here, the humidity, the variation of race, etc.. It is a very interesting place to be. In the beginning it was difficult for Eva and I to be out here so far away from all the families and friends we've had for so long. Now we are at a place where we can actually handle the loneliness and being in a new place, it's changing us and seems we're accustomed to being here. The only thing that I'm struggling with is everything is up in the air at the moment as we are unsure where we will be living in the next few months.

I typed this awhile back and didn't do this posting so gonna try again, I've missed blogging so much.   I can't believe we have been here in Virginia for four months now, summer is over, and the girls are back in school.  I am now getting used to being here in the east know the usual routes to take our girls to their schools, to take hubby to the Virginia Railroad Express and to the Franconia metro as a backup if miss the VRE train, know the routes of getting to Target, Walmart, Ikea, etc.. Adam and I had been worried about Eva starting middle school because wasn't sure if it was a good school but it turned out to be an amazing school. She raves about everyday how great her teachers, classes, and friends are. She also joined the volleyball team where her team takes such good care of her and calls her "short stuff." Keona started 3rd grade and she made three friends whom she loved introducing to me every chance she gets. She loves her teacher Mr. Salamone, she is enjoying having him.

Things haven't been going so well concerning my health or Adam's. It's kind of ironic when we celebrated my birthday on Sunday and I made a wish before blowing out my candles on the yummy chocolate cake Adam got for me. I wished for our family to have good health because I was so tired of all these health issues with each of us. Right after cake was cut I was getting ready to sit down then all of the sudden the chair disappeared from under me and felt a whack on my tailsbone. I writhed in pain and could not speak to any of my family and had to sit on couch to gather my strength again. It was a horrible pain and I am still struggling to be able to sit so have to be careful how i sit or getting out of the van.  Keona felt horrible and kept telling me sorry over and over again, she was trying to warn me beforehand that she was trying to trade chairs so I could sit in the rocking chair to be more comfortable. It was too late as I sat down too fast. Birthday wishes I like to think they come true but it is only superstition granted to us with a blow. I like to think this was the last health issue we will be dealt with for a long time but knowing us it it short-lived. We just deal with whatever comes, come what may.

Ali is a trooper after what happened when he fell off the swing at Keona's elementary school playground, he will wear his cast for three weeks which is better than the last time he wore a spica cast which he had to wear for two long months back in winter of last year. The doctor said he can even walk on his cast which will help him heal faster. But gosh that boy has a sensitive body that he breaks bones easy, I sure hope this is the last bone he breaks pretty please for the love of Ali please!!!

Tommy is doing his usual adorable 4 year old dialogue, he keeps me entertained every day, I love that kid!!! I haven't done the preschool homeschool system yet and I keep saying I am going to do it tmmw or the next day and it never happens. I need motivation and a schedule since new at this whole thing, it tends to get overwhelming as I don't know what or where to start even though i have tons of information to teach him. I am trying to grasp motivation out here and the need to exercise as well, so many things i want to accomplish and so little time in the day when the boys want my undivided attention.

And then the bugs, always the bugs that are and is an issue right now in our household, I've pretty much decontaminated our entire townhouse and we still have them fruit flies. I need to exercise patience and wait for them to be wiped out. I hate the feeling when a bug comes around my hair or face then I become itchy, I try to clasp hands together to kill them to no avail. Annoying pesky things please disappear already! Love our townhouse but man it is hard to keep clean but then our house in Utah was hard to keep up as well. I think it is just a mommy thing to feel.

Adam is kept busy with his job and it is nice for him to finally have a full-time job that he's been waiting three years for. I am so happy for him and proud of him even though we had to move all the across the country. It was the right move for our family and we already can see how much it has drawn our family closer even more now. I miss the west and hope someday we will go back, it may not be Utah but at least someplace closer to our families and friends.

It's so nice to be back on here on my blog and then to see what my friends and families are up to. I hope to keep up more now that I have a laptop (Adam's old lapttop from school) to type on anytime and on our comfortable couch instead of at the computer desk. :D

Adios until next time when I will actually post pictures of our townhouse in which families and friends have been curious to see. Sorry I've been a bit slow in that area, been delaying due to unpacking boxes still and rooms that seem to always stay messy.

A Grinch's change of heart and memories

Growing up I have always loved Dr. Seuss so when I hear this quote in the movie "The Grinch" it gives me all warm fuzzies.

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

--Dr. Seuss

This Christmas it seems to have taught me more about the true meaning of Christmas in which to give and not receive. We are very poor this Christmas but doesn't mean we can't enjoy the blessings of being with family. We don't have a lot to give but I think what counts is being with the ones we love. Christmas isn't about having all those glamorous shiny presents under the Christmas tree or having all the decorations up in perfection, it helps with the Christmas spirit but what truly helps is spending time away from the world and into your own families and circle of friends.

Here are some pictures of our family's Christmas past, I'm so grateful for pictures to keep memories intact forever.

        Eva ( Dec 2002)

(Eva and cousin Madeline with the mamas                                         12/02)

 (Eva and Nona with Daddy 12/05)

 (Eva and Nona with Mommy 12/05)

 (Eva, Nona, and Tommy 12/09)

 (Eva, Nona, and Tommy 12/10)

 (Eva and Nona @ Nutcracker 12/11)

 (Ali Dec 2011)

 (Ali, Eva, and Nona Dec 2011)

 (Tommy Dec 2009)

 (Eva Dec 2012)

 (Nona Dec 2012)

  (Eva Dec 2012)

 (All the kiddos Dec 2012)

 (Tommy Dec 2012)

Words that tore through

There's a poem I found through a friend on Facebook that tore through my whole soul tonight in regarding the elementary shooting today.

R.I.P Sandy Hook Elementary School Children

I hope this poetry offers some sort of comfort to some aching hearts:

This morning I woke up,
looked at the Connecticut sky.
I had a good feeling
I can't tell you why.

I kissed Mommy goodbye,
and told Daddy I love you.
And before we separated at the sign,
I told sister see you soon.

The bell rung,
we all rushed inside.
It was warm and loving
like a campfire light.

The teacher smiled,
my friends waved hello.
We started class,
but before you know..

The door busted open,
a man with a gun.
I was scared and broken
I looked at the sun.

The same sun I saw
with so much love.
Now brought me worry
but I'd stay tough.

I felt a pain
go through my whole body.
I saw a light
and an awful goodbye.

I saw Mommy's face,
her beautiful, soft lips.
I kissed her this morning,
she was something I'd miss.

I smelled Daddy's cologne,
when he hugged me today.
He left for work,
not knowing what life would take.

Sister was only a few blocks away,
in a classroom, I could see
I'll never get to say
how much she means to me.

My 6th birthday was coming soon,
I was dreaming of ponies
dolls
and shoes.

Then I felt a hand
touch my face.
I was overwhelmed
in an amazing grace.

God said to me,
"don't be worry, child.
you've been here before.
it's just been a while."

I looked on my back,
where I found wings.
I felt a halo
and clouds under my feet.

With me, when I looked,
were my friends by my side.
That man sent us here,
but I'm alright.

Maybe he was sick,
maybe he was crazy.
Maybe he hurt us
because he was hurting, maybe?

I watch the tears
all over the country.
Over the few years
their pain because of me.

I watched my family
break apart.
but they knew I was
still in their hearts.

I don't know much,
but i know this;
my mommy should've never
had to bury her own kid.

Although it's tough,
although it's hard
I think God would want us to
forgive the killer in our hearts.

What you don't know,
but what I'll tell you,
is I'm just fine.
in this heaven of mine.

Maybe this will teach you
to never regret a thing.
Be happy with what God gave you,
because you could've been me.

Now maybe I was young,
maybe I didn't deserve it.
But maybe I taught a lesson,
now please...learn it.

Love with everything,
always smile a lot.
Remember this lesson,
that I taught.

Wipe away the tears,
enjoy the years.
Time goes by fast,
you don't know which day is your last.

Pray for my family,
for my friend's family, too.
I'm sure they'll be grateful,
and thankful to you.

I'm an angel,
all brand new.
I came up here
this afternoon.

I would be 6 years old,
but God has a plan.
Remember this feeling of distraught,
remember this lesson that I taught.

Written by J.J. 12/14/12
Edited by S.Z. 12/14/12

After I read this, I was in a tremor of tears and I went upstairs to give my kids another kiss and just thanking HIM i still have my children at the same time have a broken heart for all those parents who are not able to glimpse at their children or hold them again in this life. May God be with all of those who lost their loved ones and may God comfort those children until they are united with their families again.

To live or live without pain is the question

 There are days where I feel I can do this and then some days I can't do it, I feel imbalanced and I hate that feeling. To live or live without the pain is a question everyday I have to face. I feel like it is a constant struggle and fight to even get out of bed to do the everyday routine to do's.  My back surgery has helped but slowly and I need to give it time to heal, I just have a hard time waiting. I have to buck up and deal with the pain and even it it means I can't do everything I want or need to do. I had forgotten what it was like to live completely without pain; I had forgotten what it was like to run; I had forgotten being able to feel alive. I don't want to feel helpless and unable to do anything, it is not my happy place.  
I tried going through my mind of what I did just before my car accident that changed our lives forever. I came up with only one thing which was I went to Arby's to get late night snacks for hubby and I. Was it really necessary I went so late; really necessary to have risk being hit by a drunk driver or anyone?  What could have I been thinking that was so normal before all of this happened? I remembered Tommy was two months old, I must have remembered something vivid of his expression right before he went to sleep. I honestly cannot remember what I was doing that whole day of the accident, I hoped I did an aerobic session then that means I at least did something active before it all went down for me. I had hoped I enjoyed my day before fate changed me. I hoped I smiled and saw my husband smiled or one of our children smiled before the evening came. I hoped I had the window down and felt the summer wind blow on my face before I was hit. Then I can say I at least had the feeling of being alive even for a little while. There is a quote I remembered from the movie Moulin Rouche "It is better for us to have love than not to love at all" I changed to a quote i heard somewhere "it is better for us to have lived than to not live at all."  I may not feel alive right now but hope to be someday when my back is completely healed. I hope that life might somewhat be back to what it used to be or better than. I was able to put up Christmas lights and watch my kids put up tinsel and ornaments today which brought me into a lively spirit. It is the little things that count and so I am counting that towards my grateful to be alive list. Like Shakespeare says "To be or not to be," this quote has always placed value in a piece of my mind meaning we choose what to be and what not to be. Right now I am choosing what I don't want to be but sooner than later I am finding myself facing the music of what to be and that is to live with the pain.