A Grinch's change of heart and memories

Growing up I have always loved Dr. Seuss so when I hear this quote in the movie "The Grinch" it gives me all warm fuzzies.

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

--Dr. Seuss

This Christmas it seems to have taught me more about the true meaning of Christmas in which to give and not receive. We are very poor this Christmas but doesn't mean we can't enjoy the blessings of being with family. We don't have a lot to give but I think what counts is being with the ones we love. Christmas isn't about having all those glamorous shiny presents under the Christmas tree or having all the decorations up in perfection, it helps with the Christmas spirit but what truly helps is spending time away from the world and into your own families and circle of friends.

Here are some pictures of our family's Christmas past, I'm so grateful for pictures to keep memories intact forever.

        Eva ( Dec 2002)

(Eva and cousin Madeline with the mamas                                         12/02)

 (Eva and Nona with Daddy 12/05)

 (Eva and Nona with Mommy 12/05)

 (Eva, Nona, and Tommy 12/09)

 (Eva, Nona, and Tommy 12/10)

 (Eva and Nona @ Nutcracker 12/11)

 (Ali Dec 2011)

 (Ali, Eva, and Nona Dec 2011)

 (Tommy Dec 2009)

 (Eva Dec 2012)

 (Nona Dec 2012)

  (Eva Dec 2012)

 (All the kiddos Dec 2012)

 (Tommy Dec 2012)

Words that tore through

There's a poem I found through a friend on Facebook that tore through my whole soul tonight in regarding the elementary shooting today.

R.I.P Sandy Hook Elementary School Children

I hope this poetry offers some sort of comfort to some aching hearts:

This morning I woke up,
looked at the Connecticut sky.
I had a good feeling
I can't tell you why.

I kissed Mommy goodbye,
and told Daddy I love you.
And before we separated at the sign,
I told sister see you soon.

The bell rung,
we all rushed inside.
It was warm and loving
like a campfire light.

The teacher smiled,
my friends waved hello.
We started class,
but before you know..

The door busted open,
a man with a gun.
I was scared and broken
I looked at the sun.

The same sun I saw
with so much love.
Now brought me worry
but I'd stay tough.

I felt a pain
go through my whole body.
I saw a light
and an awful goodbye.

I saw Mommy's face,
her beautiful, soft lips.
I kissed her this morning,
she was something I'd miss.

I smelled Daddy's cologne,
when he hugged me today.
He left for work,
not knowing what life would take.

Sister was only a few blocks away,
in a classroom, I could see
I'll never get to say
how much she means to me.

My 6th birthday was coming soon,
I was dreaming of ponies
dolls
and shoes.

Then I felt a hand
touch my face.
I was overwhelmed
in an amazing grace.

God said to me,
"don't be worry, child.
you've been here before.
it's just been a while."

I looked on my back,
where I found wings.
I felt a halo
and clouds under my feet.

With me, when I looked,
were my friends by my side.
That man sent us here,
but I'm alright.

Maybe he was sick,
maybe he was crazy.
Maybe he hurt us
because he was hurting, maybe?

I watch the tears
all over the country.
Over the few years
their pain because of me.

I watched my family
break apart.
but they knew I was
still in their hearts.

I don't know much,
but i know this;
my mommy should've never
had to bury her own kid.

Although it's tough,
although it's hard
I think God would want us to
forgive the killer in our hearts.

What you don't know,
but what I'll tell you,
is I'm just fine.
in this heaven of mine.

Maybe this will teach you
to never regret a thing.
Be happy with what God gave you,
because you could've been me.

Now maybe I was young,
maybe I didn't deserve it.
But maybe I taught a lesson,
now please...learn it.

Love with everything,
always smile a lot.
Remember this lesson,
that I taught.

Wipe away the tears,
enjoy the years.
Time goes by fast,
you don't know which day is your last.

Pray for my family,
for my friend's family, too.
I'm sure they'll be grateful,
and thankful to you.

I'm an angel,
all brand new.
I came up here
this afternoon.

I would be 6 years old,
but God has a plan.
Remember this feeling of distraught,
remember this lesson that I taught.

Written by J.J. 12/14/12
Edited by S.Z. 12/14/12

After I read this, I was in a tremor of tears and I went upstairs to give my kids another kiss and just thanking HIM i still have my children at the same time have a broken heart for all those parents who are not able to glimpse at their children or hold them again in this life. May God be with all of those who lost their loved ones and may God comfort those children until they are united with their families again.

To live or live without pain is the question

 There are days where I feel I can do this and then some days I can't do it, I feel imbalanced and I hate that feeling. To live or live without the pain is a question everyday I have to face. I feel like it is a constant struggle and fight to even get out of bed to do the everyday routine to do's.  My back surgery has helped but slowly and I need to give it time to heal, I just have a hard time waiting. I have to buck up and deal with the pain and even it it means I can't do everything I want or need to do. I had forgotten what it was like to live completely without pain; I had forgotten what it was like to run; I had forgotten being able to feel alive. I don't want to feel helpless and unable to do anything, it is not my happy place.  
I tried going through my mind of what I did just before my car accident that changed our lives forever. I came up with only one thing which was I went to Arby's to get late night snacks for hubby and I. Was it really necessary I went so late; really necessary to have risk being hit by a drunk driver or anyone?  What could have I been thinking that was so normal before all of this happened? I remembered Tommy was two months old, I must have remembered something vivid of his expression right before he went to sleep. I honestly cannot remember what I was doing that whole day of the accident, I hoped I did an aerobic session then that means I at least did something active before it all went down for me. I had hoped I enjoyed my day before fate changed me. I hoped I smiled and saw my husband smiled or one of our children smiled before the evening came. I hoped I had the window down and felt the summer wind blow on my face before I was hit. Then I can say I at least had the feeling of being alive even for a little while. There is a quote I remembered from the movie Moulin Rouche "It is better for us to have love than not to love at all" I changed to a quote i heard somewhere "it is better for us to have lived than to not live at all."  I may not feel alive right now but hope to be someday when my back is completely healed. I hope that life might somewhat be back to what it used to be or better than. I was able to put up Christmas lights and watch my kids put up tinsel and ornaments today which brought me into a lively spirit. It is the little things that count and so I am counting that towards my grateful to be alive list. Like Shakespeare says "To be or not to be," this quote has always placed value in a piece of my mind meaning we choose what to be and what not to be. Right now I am choosing what I don't want to be but sooner than later I am finding myself facing the music of what to be and that is to live with the pain.