I feel loved

I have realized for the first time today since I posted that embarassing status on facebook that I am truly loved.  I also realized first time that I put myself in the dark place again without even realizing it. I think it is like Adam said because it is cabin fever. I crave to just drive to the store and buy a snack for hubby and I and I or crave to even do errands as crazy as that may sound. These past few weeks being on the bed on our main floor had not been easy on me, making me go insane not being able to brush my girls's hair in the way I want it to be and not in a sloppy way. I crave to jump into my husband's arms and give him a bear hug, crave to organize the house, crave to even exercise or dance with my bare feet on our floor. I know this is a temporary setback but I have this fear that hidden inside me that what if I am not completely healed from my back surgery. What if from the few falls that has happened to me caused my surgery to be for nothing? But I need to hold on to the small hope that is inside me until it grows to confidence that I will be able to take my kids for bike rides, I will be able to cook mac and cheese without boiling hot water splattering all over my feet, I will be able to exercise and maybe just maybe do even more than I ever been able to three years ago before my accident. But especially be able to finally get rid of all the painkillers in my system because I am at last healed. I look into my children's eyes and my husband's eyes and I see it pains them to see me like this. It is with immense gratitude though that my wrist pain in both hands are almost to its peak where I can finally be able to do anything with my hands without writhing in pain. Some people say that if I exercise the pain will go away but I needed surgery for my wrists and especially for my back. The doctors, the nurses have any idea how precious they are being instruments through God's hands? I am indeed blessed and loved! I just want whoever reads this blog that life is precious and I'm grateful to be a part of each of your lives. My eyelids are drooping so as much my fingers want to keep going, my body is telling me it is time to end this blog for the night. Good night everyone and sleep the dreams that keep us safe in the clouds's embraces. Good night!

Dark place has no place in me

Well despite me laying down all the time from my back surgery I find it a refreshing break to just kick back and take care of myself and leave myself to my thoughts. And most of all catch up with my blog which I neglected for months. Pardon my last few blogs that I had typed the last couple days as I had been loopy on meds and in an angry mood. i however do think I have the right to be angry at the drunk driver what's his name because he doesn't seem to care about his redemption or the people he hurt in the process. But I have moved on the best I could and I won't let him put me in a dark place. I have forgiven him and actually feel sorry for him because he hasn't grown up to be a remarkable man that he could have been. I leave him in God's hands to do the judging, it is his life and what he wants to do with it is between himself and God.

I am truly grateful that I went ahead with the SI joint fusion surgery regardless of how long it takes to heal and grateful I can also do the hand surgery before Adam does his part time job and school again. I am blessed to have my husband willing to take over everything while I heal. It was the hardest thing I have ever done other than the hip surgery. I am so used to doing stuff, taking care of everyone else except me so it is bizarre to just be laying here with a heating pad and taking it easy. It's hard to have my mom and sister help me because I know they have a lot going on in their lives too. But at least the recovery time isn't too long which I am grateful for.

I

Ali's first year of celebrating life

Well my blogs of late have been rather depressing and perhaps it is the loopy Lisa talking because laying in bed all day reading and watching movies instead of doing all the stuff around the house is a huge change for me. But on the other hand it's been nice to just kick back and actually catch up on my blog which I have immensely missed. I am a bit put out that summer is almost over, I had such a fantastic time putting together all my kiddies birthday parties and going up to Washington twice this summer. What more could I ask for. Ahh of course I wouldnt ask for back surgery or hand surgery but whatever helps me get back on the right track to function normal at last. I have pictures of my kiddies birthday parties which I want to post even if no one is looking lol. At least it is a journal.

Our baby Ali turned 1 on April 8, 2012 and my sister and I decided to make jumbo cupcakes for our babies since I found the idea on Pinterest that I couldn't resist. Here are the pictures:

To be continued on to Tommy's birthday glory :D

I have an inkling that I keep moving because I don't know any other way to survive. I survive because I have my beautiful little people and my handsome superman to hold my hand through all these turmoil times. I am feeling like a bird with no wings, i want to fly to my highest limit but stuck on this lumpy bed watching life go by. But alas I need to look beyond the flimsy curtain and see beyond what i see now. My back will get better and in no time I will be able to play dress up with my girlies and play vroom cars with my boys. I look forward to that. May life ever be in my favor, in all our favor..

Who the freaking cares?!

It's been five months since I wrote my last blog but not like anyone cares. It's been a week since i had my surgery on my back but it isn't like anyone cares. The drunk driver who hit me head on got himself involved in three other dui's after mine but it isn't like anyone cares. Can I be mad at the world today i think i can just for today. Why did they let him go after all the damage he done to me and possibly others? Why did i freeze and not add my testimony when I had the chance? I am laying on my back because of him. How is he able to live with himself, how does he even have a shred of humanity and survive? I am hoping beyond hope that this surgery is it, that I will be back to at least some normality so I can spend the rest of my children's young years to play and enjoy living!

I want my life back is all I ask for.. Using a walker when I am not even forty when I haven't even done my bucket of life or done all my crafts for my family or the house. I know this is a pathetic blog and i shouldn't care because no one will read it. I appreciated my parents for their listening ear, for Adam's family's hospitality, and the ward's hospitality. And the meatballs. Thank you!