A Grinch's change of heart and memories

Growing up I have always loved Dr. Seuss so when I hear this quote in the movie "The Grinch" it gives me all warm fuzzies.

"And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons. It came without tags. It came without packages, boxes or bags. And he puzzled and puzzled 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. What if Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. What if Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.

--Dr. Seuss

This Christmas it seems to have taught me more about the true meaning of Christmas in which to give and not receive. We are very poor this Christmas but doesn't mean we can't enjoy the blessings of being with family. We don't have a lot to give but I think what counts is being with the ones we love. Christmas isn't about having all those glamorous shiny presents under the Christmas tree or having all the decorations up in perfection, it helps with the Christmas spirit but what truly helps is spending time away from the world and into your own families and circle of friends.

Here are some pictures of our family's Christmas past, I'm so grateful for pictures to keep memories intact forever.

        Eva ( Dec 2002)

(Eva and cousin Madeline with the mamas                                         12/02)

 (Eva and Nona with Daddy 12/05)

 (Eva and Nona with Mommy 12/05)

 (Eva, Nona, and Tommy 12/09)

 (Eva, Nona, and Tommy 12/10)

 (Eva and Nona @ Nutcracker 12/11)

 (Ali Dec 2011)

 (Ali, Eva, and Nona Dec 2011)

 (Tommy Dec 2009)

 (Eva Dec 2012)

 (Nona Dec 2012)

  (Eva Dec 2012)

 (All the kiddos Dec 2012)

 (Tommy Dec 2012)

Words that tore through

There's a poem I found through a friend on Facebook that tore through my whole soul tonight in regarding the elementary shooting today.

R.I.P Sandy Hook Elementary School Children

I hope this poetry offers some sort of comfort to some aching hearts:

This morning I woke up,
looked at the Connecticut sky.
I had a good feeling
I can't tell you why.

I kissed Mommy goodbye,
and told Daddy I love you.
And before we separated at the sign,
I told sister see you soon.

The bell rung,
we all rushed inside.
It was warm and loving
like a campfire light.

The teacher smiled,
my friends waved hello.
We started class,
but before you know..

The door busted open,
a man with a gun.
I was scared and broken
I looked at the sun.

The same sun I saw
with so much love.
Now brought me worry
but I'd stay tough.

I felt a pain
go through my whole body.
I saw a light
and an awful goodbye.

I saw Mommy's face,
her beautiful, soft lips.
I kissed her this morning,
she was something I'd miss.

I smelled Daddy's cologne,
when he hugged me today.
He left for work,
not knowing what life would take.

Sister was only a few blocks away,
in a classroom, I could see
I'll never get to say
how much she means to me.

My 6th birthday was coming soon,
I was dreaming of ponies
dolls
and shoes.

Then I felt a hand
touch my face.
I was overwhelmed
in an amazing grace.

God said to me,
"don't be worry, child.
you've been here before.
it's just been a while."

I looked on my back,
where I found wings.
I felt a halo
and clouds under my feet.

With me, when I looked,
were my friends by my side.
That man sent us here,
but I'm alright.

Maybe he was sick,
maybe he was crazy.
Maybe he hurt us
because he was hurting, maybe?

I watch the tears
all over the country.
Over the few years
their pain because of me.

I watched my family
break apart.
but they knew I was
still in their hearts.

I don't know much,
but i know this;
my mommy should've never
had to bury her own kid.

Although it's tough,
although it's hard
I think God would want us to
forgive the killer in our hearts.

What you don't know,
but what I'll tell you,
is I'm just fine.
in this heaven of mine.

Maybe this will teach you
to never regret a thing.
Be happy with what God gave you,
because you could've been me.

Now maybe I was young,
maybe I didn't deserve it.
But maybe I taught a lesson,
now please...learn it.

Love with everything,
always smile a lot.
Remember this lesson,
that I taught.

Wipe away the tears,
enjoy the years.
Time goes by fast,
you don't know which day is your last.

Pray for my family,
for my friend's family, too.
I'm sure they'll be grateful,
and thankful to you.

I'm an angel,
all brand new.
I came up here
this afternoon.

I would be 6 years old,
but God has a plan.
Remember this feeling of distraught,
remember this lesson that I taught.

Written by J.J. 12/14/12
Edited by S.Z. 12/14/12

After I read this, I was in a tremor of tears and I went upstairs to give my kids another kiss and just thanking HIM i still have my children at the same time have a broken heart for all those parents who are not able to glimpse at their children or hold them again in this life. May God be with all of those who lost their loved ones and may God comfort those children until they are united with their families again.

To live or live without pain is the question

 There are days where I feel I can do this and then some days I can't do it, I feel imbalanced and I hate that feeling. To live or live without the pain is a question everyday I have to face. I feel like it is a constant struggle and fight to even get out of bed to do the everyday routine to do's.  My back surgery has helped but slowly and I need to give it time to heal, I just have a hard time waiting. I have to buck up and deal with the pain and even it it means I can't do everything I want or need to do. I had forgotten what it was like to live completely without pain; I had forgotten what it was like to run; I had forgotten being able to feel alive. I don't want to feel helpless and unable to do anything, it is not my happy place.  
I tried going through my mind of what I did just before my car accident that changed our lives forever. I came up with only one thing which was I went to Arby's to get late night snacks for hubby and I. Was it really necessary I went so late; really necessary to have risk being hit by a drunk driver or anyone?  What could have I been thinking that was so normal before all of this happened? I remembered Tommy was two months old, I must have remembered something vivid of his expression right before he went to sleep. I honestly cannot remember what I was doing that whole day of the accident, I hoped I did an aerobic session then that means I at least did something active before it all went down for me. I had hoped I enjoyed my day before fate changed me. I hoped I smiled and saw my husband smiled or one of our children smiled before the evening came. I hoped I had the window down and felt the summer wind blow on my face before I was hit. Then I can say I at least had the feeling of being alive even for a little while. There is a quote I remembered from the movie Moulin Rouche "It is better for us to have love than not to love at all" I changed to a quote i heard somewhere "it is better for us to have lived than to not live at all."  I may not feel alive right now but hope to be someday when my back is completely healed. I hope that life might somewhat be back to what it used to be or better than. I was able to put up Christmas lights and watch my kids put up tinsel and ornaments today which brought me into a lively spirit. It is the little things that count and so I am counting that towards my grateful to be alive list. Like Shakespeare says "To be or not to be," this quote has always placed value in a piece of my mind meaning we choose what to be and what not to be. Right now I am choosing what I don't want to be but sooner than later I am finding myself facing the music of what to be and that is to live with the pain.

Wail and hail all in a day's work

    Well there is a reason why I named my blog Wailings and Hailings because everyday there is always something to wail or hail about. Well maybe not everyday. Yesterday Tommy the three year old decided to make himself useful by getting ahold of a permanent marker from where I have no idea and drew all over our new Ikea shelves and onto his face. I of course being a mom was concerned on how to get the marker off of my unpredictable yet adorable son's face. I decided maybe since i was using the magic eraser on the shelves that possibly it might work its magic on my son. However the plan backfired literally because now there is a chemical/allergic reaction on my son's face looking like a big long red scrape. I feel so guilty even though I know it was accidental but never again! I learned my lesson in not using any cleaning products on the kids no matter how harmless it may seem at the time. That people is my wailing for the day and as for the hailing I would have to say it was spending time with the family tonight playing catch and dunk the kids onto the couch. Eva just told us great news of how she is now going to be in the geography contest as well as the spelling bee. Atta girl, she really knows her stuff. She is such an amazing and smart girl and we're proud of her!

    I am still struggling within on getting that motivation back before I had my back surgery, it seems impossible on some days and then other days it isn't. I found myself cleaning the coat closet this afternoon and felt I had purpose again. I think it's important we at least accomplish one thing whether it is organization, cleaning, or maybe even just do laundry.  It's nice to have accomplished a few things today and tomorrow is a whole new day. :) I got to always to remember the scripture in Mosiah 4 "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength."

 

The whole new meaning of Thanks

   Thanksgiving came and now it's been declared over for the year 2012. I thought to myself how I was bored and needed something to do so I turned to my blog once more. It has been three months since my back surgery and I'm somehow still struggling with finding that motivation to doing my regular routine that I had done before. I had not realized how hard it would be and I find myself just wanting to do the least possible around the house. I would get ready for the day, take care of the boys, and then I would just want to get on facebook or read something of interest. I figure well maybe it is just a phase that I'm going through and hoping it would end soon and I will be back to "normal." But then I think what is normal? I suppose we all have our phases of just wanting to be. I remembered Adam when he had his back surgery the only thing that kept him going was laying on the couch watching lots of tv. Eventually that went away and he got back into the land of the living.  Adam always tells me to give it time and I guess I just need to learn to get back that motivation, that stability and strength by just having patience and staying active. I don't think I've ever experienced anything this challenging until now except I think back on my mission when I was sent home on medical release. However it was not the same because back then it was just me i was thinking of having to struggle and be alone in the pain. Now I have my family and pain in one package but the things I am going through now I would rather go through than alone. I mean sure I did have my parents but somehow it is more magnified having also my husband and children to be with me as well. I would not have been able to pull through this whole ordeal without my parents, my siblings, my husband, my children, Adam's family or my friends.  Pain is and always will be our life and we have learned to work with it no matter how frustrating it can affect us, no matter how much it hurts us, we will always survive.
      For this Thanksgiving I was thinking all day one thing among other blessings is that my husband and I are still alive and breathing with our beautiful children and able to watch them grow into the amazing spirits that they are and will be. I am eternally grateful from the bottom of my heart that our children are healthy. I would much rather carry the burden of pain on me than to see them hurting or have chronic pain for the rest of their precious lives. Of course I wish my Adam would not have to carry the burden of pain either but the love of parents to their children is the strongest love you can ever experience so I would think Adam would agree with this sentiment just the same.

   I really enjoyed spending Thanksgiving with my parents, sister's family, and my own family today. The whole getting together around the table expressing prayer of thanks, the game of who said this as we draw papers out of the bag of things we're grateful for. Watching our children dancing and having fun. The feeling of just relaxing with family and having pie is what this holiday brings us, the sentiment that we are in fact thankful and not just there for the food. I hope everyone around the world had Thanksgiving with someone they loved, hope that all of Adam's family, and friends also had a wonderful Thanksgiving. It was a blessed day. I may come across as cheesy but I think this day gives me the right to be. Happy Turkey day everyone!

Good night,
Lisa

Feel like singing

Behold the Great Redeemer Die

Behold the great Redeemer die,
A broken law to satisfy.
He dies a sacrifice for sin,
That man may live and glory win.

While guilty men his pains deride,
They pierce his hands and feet and side;
And with insulting scoffs and scorns,
And with insulting scoffs and scorns,
They crown his head with plaited thorns.

Although in agony he hung.
No mum'ring word escaped his tongue.
His high commission to fulfill,
His high commission to fulfill,
He magnified his Father's will.

"Father, from me remove this cup.
Yet, if thou wilt, I'll drink it up.
I've done the work thou gavest me,
I've done the work thou gavest me;
Receive my spirit unto thee.'

He died, and at the awful sight
The sun in shame withdrew its light!
Earth trembled, and all nature sighed,
Earth trembled, and all nature sighed
In dread response, " A God has died!"

He lives-he lives. We humbly now
Around these sacred symbols bow
And seek, as Saints of latter days,
And seek, as Saints of latter days,
To do his will and live his praise.

-Eliza Snow 1804-1887

I thought this was the perfect opening for to start up my blog once more after it has been several months. At least it hadn't reach the one year mark of no blog at all or I would really be kicking myself.

Today as I was sitting in church with my family signing this song while taking the sacrament, I felt such a strong impact by it. The funny thing is I feel like it was actually the first time I heard it but Adam is probably right that possibly I overlooked this song in other times dealing with kids or not really paying attention. Adam and I felt this song so powerful that it actually made us emotional, I love perfect little moments like this. Songs are a way to our souls more than we realize.

It feels so good to be back here typing up in my once dead blog, I miss just putting down my feelings and the going ons with my family to family and friends. I also miss checking up on everyone else's blogs. Life gets us busy and a bit on the fast track. I gotta learn to put life on hold and just do it, the things I put on the back burner. Until next time maybe tommorrow if things get interesting, it is after all Thanksgiving week! :-)

I feel loved

I have realized for the first time today since I posted that embarassing status on facebook that I am truly loved.  I also realized first time that I put myself in the dark place again without even realizing it. I think it is like Adam said because it is cabin fever. I crave to just drive to the store and buy a snack for hubby and I and I or crave to even do errands as crazy as that may sound. These past few weeks being on the bed on our main floor had not been easy on me, making me go insane not being able to brush my girls's hair in the way I want it to be and not in a sloppy way. I crave to jump into my husband's arms and give him a bear hug, crave to organize the house, crave to even exercise or dance with my bare feet on our floor. I know this is a temporary setback but I have this fear that hidden inside me that what if I am not completely healed from my back surgery. What if from the few falls that has happened to me caused my surgery to be for nothing? But I need to hold on to the small hope that is inside me until it grows to confidence that I will be able to take my kids for bike rides, I will be able to cook mac and cheese without boiling hot water splattering all over my feet, I will be able to exercise and maybe just maybe do even more than I ever been able to three years ago before my accident. But especially be able to finally get rid of all the painkillers in my system because I am at last healed. I look into my children's eyes and my husband's eyes and I see it pains them to see me like this. It is with immense gratitude though that my wrist pain in both hands are almost to its peak where I can finally be able to do anything with my hands without writhing in pain. Some people say that if I exercise the pain will go away but I needed surgery for my wrists and especially for my back. The doctors, the nurses have any idea how precious they are being instruments through God's hands? I am indeed blessed and loved! I just want whoever reads this blog that life is precious and I'm grateful to be a part of each of your lives. My eyelids are drooping so as much my fingers want to keep going, my body is telling me it is time to end this blog for the night. Good night everyone and sleep the dreams that keep us safe in the clouds's embraces. Good night!

Dark place has no place in me

Well despite me laying down all the time from my back surgery I find it a refreshing break to just kick back and take care of myself and leave myself to my thoughts. And most of all catch up with my blog which I neglected for months. Pardon my last few blogs that I had typed the last couple days as I had been loopy on meds and in an angry mood. i however do think I have the right to be angry at the drunk driver what's his name because he doesn't seem to care about his redemption or the people he hurt in the process. But I have moved on the best I could and I won't let him put me in a dark place. I have forgiven him and actually feel sorry for him because he hasn't grown up to be a remarkable man that he could have been. I leave him in God's hands to do the judging, it is his life and what he wants to do with it is between himself and God.

I am truly grateful that I went ahead with the SI joint fusion surgery regardless of how long it takes to heal and grateful I can also do the hand surgery before Adam does his part time job and school again. I am blessed to have my husband willing to take over everything while I heal. It was the hardest thing I have ever done other than the hip surgery. I am so used to doing stuff, taking care of everyone else except me so it is bizarre to just be laying here with a heating pad and taking it easy. It's hard to have my mom and sister help me because I know they have a lot going on in their lives too. But at least the recovery time isn't too long which I am grateful for.

I

Ali's first year of celebrating life

Well my blogs of late have been rather depressing and perhaps it is the loopy Lisa talking because laying in bed all day reading and watching movies instead of doing all the stuff around the house is a huge change for me. But on the other hand it's been nice to just kick back and actually catch up on my blog which I have immensely missed. I am a bit put out that summer is almost over, I had such a fantastic time putting together all my kiddies birthday parties and going up to Washington twice this summer. What more could I ask for. Ahh of course I wouldnt ask for back surgery or hand surgery but whatever helps me get back on the right track to function normal at last. I have pictures of my kiddies birthday parties which I want to post even if no one is looking lol. At least it is a journal.

Our baby Ali turned 1 on April 8, 2012 and my sister and I decided to make jumbo cupcakes for our babies since I found the idea on Pinterest that I couldn't resist. Here are the pictures:

To be continued on to Tommy's birthday glory :D

I have an inkling that I keep moving because I don't know any other way to survive. I survive because I have my beautiful little people and my handsome superman to hold my hand through all these turmoil times. I am feeling like a bird with no wings, i want to fly to my highest limit but stuck on this lumpy bed watching life go by. But alas I need to look beyond the flimsy curtain and see beyond what i see now. My back will get better and in no time I will be able to play dress up with my girlies and play vroom cars with my boys. I look forward to that. May life ever be in my favor, in all our favor..

Who the freaking cares?!

It's been five months since I wrote my last blog but not like anyone cares. It's been a week since i had my surgery on my back but it isn't like anyone cares. The drunk driver who hit me head on got himself involved in three other dui's after mine but it isn't like anyone cares. Can I be mad at the world today i think i can just for today. Why did they let him go after all the damage he done to me and possibly others? Why did i freeze and not add my testimony when I had the chance? I am laying on my back because of him. How is he able to live with himself, how does he even have a shred of humanity and survive? I am hoping beyond hope that this surgery is it, that I will be back to at least some normality so I can spend the rest of my children's young years to play and enjoy living!

I want my life back is all I ask for.. Using a walker when I am not even forty when I haven't even done my bucket of life or done all my crafts for my family or the house. I know this is a pathetic blog and i shouldn't care because no one will read it. I appreciated my parents for their listening ear, for Adam's family's hospitality, and the ward's hospitality. And the meatballs. Thank you!

Forget me Not

Yesterday I had one of those naps where if I didn't take it I wouldn't be able to function for the day so i fell into a deep sleep. The dream felt so real and yet it wasn't. I dreamed of my childhood best friend who had died 19 years ago in a car accident, her name was Stacey. I dreamt that both of us were at some sort of indoor logging and it was unclear what or where we were going. Stacey said to me that she was going to leave and I asked her why, she said she was too far away from home. Then she vanished and I so I went looking for her and realized there was no room that she had occupied. And then that is when hubby woke me up for lunch. I told him my dream and he said it sounded like a sad dream and then that's when I started to cry. I still miss her even after 19 years has passed and even after I had gotten married and have a family now. I had been thinking of her and family lately and realized that I needed to go see Shauna (Stacey's mother) and Michellle (Stacey's down syndrome sister) but then I remembered Michelle is no longer on earth that she is with Stacey now. I had been thinking that perhaps this dream was to lead me to go see Stacey's mom and bring her some flowers to apologize for missing Michelle's funeral (I was out of town with husband). Most of my dreams have no meaning or distorted but this one seemed to have stood out. I have not forgotten you; Stacey, and I shall never forget you now and forever.

Leap Day

I know Leap Day was yesterday but I wanted to post a blog and pictures anyway. I loved the fact that it was Leap Day to celebrate every four years of an extra day in February, the 29th. Of course I feel bad for those who have their birthday on Leap day because it is like their birth date has vanished and reappears every four years. But I would imagine they celebrate on the 28th instead of every four years because that would literally stink.

I was thinking I had this whole day planned of fun stuff to do for the kids but it didn't end that way. I wanted to have games and decorate with frogs and green stuff to symbolize leap day. However we had a fun day anyway! As you can see in this picture I dress Ali in St. Patrick's day clothes I got from Old Navy, it was close enough to celebrating Leap day. :) It was too adorable I had to post the picture.

Adam, the kids, and I went to the store shopping for food and

I took a picture of Keona and Ali, it is amazing to see the resemblance they definitely look like brother and sister with

the same kind of eyes!

Adam was and is the chef of the family as he usually is. He made this delicious and fantastic lemon chicken, it was unbelievably good even Tommy was eating and he is a picky eater! The fun thing about dinner was that we all sat on the floor on Keona's princess blanket and all the kids drank from sipping cups. We thought why not it is after all Leap Day, make it all the fun! :)

And last of all I made these Leap day frogs recipe I found from Pinterest. It consisted of brownies, vanilla frosting with blue sprinkles, fruit punch strips, fruit slices, spice drops, and white chocolate chips. After all the decorating was done, I stepped back and laughed with Adam we both called them my mental retarded robotic frogs. I ran out of time and didn't buy the edible eyes from Michaels to put on as frog eyes. Oh well at least they were enjoyable to eat! :) Hope everyone had a good Leap Day?!

Arby's, drunk driver, and life

I wrote this on November 16, 2009 relating to my feelings from the accident that became a life

alternating experience.

I see eyes blinking at me

Driving in bliss

I see eyes blinking at me

bright as a camera's flash

Too bright, I must let him know

Wait, don't come towards me, I am

right here.

It was as if I was invisible to his eye.

I was an ant to him ready to be swished to death.

Chaos happened, he hit me with such fierce. Panic raged

through and through me.

My blood ran cold and numbness enveloped me.

Voices came at me at every turn asking if I was

alright. "I'm alright." I thought out aloud. Fighting

within me debating I had the right of way. How could

this happen.

I was offered water, i gulped it down and felt cold

water trickle down my throat. It seemed to be the

only vital thing I could feel at that moment.

The bumpy ambulance ride was a whirl, before I

could blink there were doctors hand and foot attending

to my care. The moment I was laid down on the flat

stretcher with a brace around my neck was when I

realized the numbness I felt was in my legs.

Will I be able to chase after my kids, will I be lost

to a wheelchair for life? Then I saw his face, everything

else faded away. Suddenly I hoped all will be well again

and we could go home. Home seemed heavenly and out of

my grasp. I wanted to see my babies. My husband assured

me that they were taken care of.

Then it was back to me.

What was to happen?

Cat scan then mri, then chest x-ray, it seemed endless.

Finally the hour came, the doctor said I had no broken

bones, gave me the release to go home and be reunited

with my beloved family.

Now to this day I am in chronic pain that will probably

last until I die. We have a tank for a car, a car that I feel

safe in, so safe. Never will I go for wanting a snack so

late for I fear I will see the blinking eyes peering at me,

waiting for me.

By: Lisa Schafer

It will be three years in July since my accident as well

as Adam's accident which happened two days after mine.

The two days that changed us forever.

Snow White and a five year old

June 2010

Golly I'm stoked I finally was able to retrieve my nona's fifth birthday party pictures some from our camera and some from a friend (thanks a heap Diane if you read this post). We celebrated Keona's fifth birthday by going to Wheeler Farm renting out a cabin and invited our families and friends and their kids. I have to admit this is one of my favorite birthdays that we celebrated I think perhaps because it was Snow White theme. I had a blast getting the balloon colors blue, yellow, and red plus I made two cakes (strawberry flavor) with pink (failed at getting red), blue, and yellow frosting along with cupcakes for the kiddies.

It was a pretty funny day because here I was thinking the day was gonna be perfect weather so I show up with my kids to Wheeler Farm and it starts raining and it isn't just raining it is pouring rain. I was shocked and was hesitant at what to do because I had to get all three kids out of the car plus get the decorations and cake. Luckily I had friends help me get everything inside the cabin. The cabin was awesome but kind of tricky fitting everyone inside. Some people went ahead and watch the cows being milked or just went outside to look around after the rain stopped. Adam came right after work and in perfect time after the rain stopped, it was nice when he came so I wasn't the only one hosting the party haha.

We all got together again and sang Happy Birthday to Keona and served cake along with jewels as for party favors for the kiddies. It was a bit crowded but cozy, I honestly LOVED it and Keona had a blast!

Here are the pictures, enjoy!

Family and moving

There are two topics I wanted to talk about in this blog which are family and moving. Last night as I was shopping at Wallyworld getting stuff to put together for my nephew's baptismal gift, my mom texted me and apologized for the things that were said the previous night. Have you ever tried to text a person and at the same time look and shop at the same time, it can be quite interesting and yes distracting.;) It was very relieving though to work things out with my parents and be able to have a settled mind for the next day's special day for my nephew and his baptism into our church. I think the thing we both learned in our conversation was that we need open communication, ground rules, and supporting each other. Family is family and we always will need each other whether near and far. I talk to my brother who is miles away in a different state, I talk to my sister through email/text same with my parents, and with Adam's family. It's nice to check in now and then with each other. I'm just so grateful for all my families whether we drive each other crazy from time to time. I love you mom and dad and thanks for wanting to work things out so we could have peace again. Thank you to my sister for wanting us to work things out so we can be a family woven together. Thank you to my brother for giving me the advice that I needed to help me through the battles of whatever.

My second topic is moving. We have lived here in Utah for seven years which is the longest we have lived anywhere in Adam's and my whole marriage life. We are discovering more and more the economy has not been in our favor here in Utah. We find that we will be better off moving to a cheaper place and we owe the house more than it's worth and that's where Washington state comes in. For one thing Washington has cheaper housing and we have family there. My brother Erik lives there in Deer Park with his wife and five children. They live not far from Spokane, they live in a very nice town in the country which is nice. The idea of living in the country and then driving out to Spokane for the city sounds appealing and also can be tedious driving back and forth. However it sounds like an adventure to live in the country for a change. The idea of moving is scary and exciting at the same time. We will be leaving a lot of family and some amazing friends which I'm not happy about leaving neither. And that is why I plan to come back to Utah to visit often. I just wish I could take everyone with me and that would make the move complete but everyone has to live their own lives where they have their own jobs, and homes. Guess making this leap will be good for us to start fresh and be able to have our kids learn a different life outside of the city that they've known for so long. Adam jumps into the decisions quickly and able to adjust well while I on the other hand have to take it slow deciding and going with a decision. I guess that is why we balance each other out.

Family and moving are both hard to live through but the important thing is we make the best out of both aspects. I'm checking out now, exhausted from a wonderful eventful day of our newest member of the church. Ethan, we're so proud of you for making the choice to be baptized!

Good night world.

Black sheep is my name

I have no recollection of ever being a bad kid growing up, I always did the right thing or at least I tried to. I always have been faithful in going to church, paying tithing, serving others, the whole Christianity LDS thing. I have never tried to miss a day without praying whether it be in my heart or on my knees or with myself folding my arms and bowing my head. I read scriptures with my family and on my own growing up, we always discuss with each other what we just read. I bore my testimony, increasing my faith, went to seminary everyday. I even served a mission in both hearing and deaf communities. Yes I did get sent home only because my companions didn't think I was fit to serve any further. I wasn't able to come back because the stake president quoted

"There isn't any work for me out there in the field." Is it because I failed as a missionary i disgraced my parents? Is it because I got married in the temple to an amazing and wonderful husband that I failed my parents? It has been stewing for quite some time apparently enough for my parents to actually say to my face that I haven't been doing my part in teaching my children to walk in the ways of our God. Yes tonight I got in yet another fight with my parents all because I thought they were a little overprotective of my children just because they were walking about twenty feet to our van to get their backpacks. My dad actually said that I haven't been doing everything right and that I am basically going astray. What in their right minds would actually cause them to even think that of me? I try my uttermost hardest to stay on the right path so okay maybe I don't read the scriptures every night. My mom said that I better not move by my brother Erik because then he will see how terrible we are for not reading scriptures every night. Wow such a spiteful thing to say to her own daughter, her own flesh and blood. How on earth would they even know what we are doing 24 hrs 7 days a week. Do they have a camera showing our every move what we do with our spare time? Seriously.. Even when Adam is sick I dedicatedly take our kids to church no matter how hard it is to take four children even with my health problems on the side. We try to do family home evening every monday and then from time to time we get thwarted because Adam has school or studying. In my parents eyes if we miss one family home evening lesson we are sinners. I don't think I will ever understand my parents as long as I live and vice versa until the other side. I am being constantly compared to my sister and brother, they are according to my parents eyes are doing everything right and I am scum of a tree that has been chopped down. I am tired of this fight of proving that I am just as good as them, therefore black sheep is my name. If my parents are not going to accept my decisions, my life then I need to sever my relationship with them. I cannot continue being a puppet to them living for them. Either they accept me as I am and that I am simply "doing the best I can" then goodbye. More and more I am convinced that it's the right thing to do to move to Washington so my husband and I can have a fresh start and actually afford to live again.

I am what I am that I may not waver, i don't know if that is part of a quote from someone famous but felt like saying it because it fits how i feel. I, Lisa may have changed but it does not mean my spirituality has left me. It has always been with me guiding me in every aspect of my life no matter what anyone says. My parents cannot stand the fact that I am independent of them, they want me to be forever dependent on them. Well what happened was that I got married and now I cleave to my husband as it should be according to the scriptures. We are one ordained under God as it should be. We right each other. We all make mistakes and like my brother said to me tonight is that we are all dealing with our own shortcomings and all of us have room to improve. So why mom and dad do you guys put me on such a short leash expecting so much from me when I can only do so much to survive and to help my family survive? I may not have my two ears but I have goodness inside me whether you think there isn't. I know right from wrong. I am what I am and continue to follow HIM whether you don't think I am. I am faithful in HIM whether you don't think I am. I am imperfect whether you think i am or not.

Every time I choose something my mom automatically thinks it affects my sister whether she likes it or not. I can't live for my mom, can't live for my sister or brother but can live for my own family as it should be. I dream a dream that I may be perceived as good as my siblings are but I won't place hope where it shouldn't be.

I am born as Lisa Levy and I am baptized as Lisa Levy but I am married as Lisa Schafer therefore my husband and kids come first before my parents as it should. I am sorry that I disgraced my parents for my so called hearing "loss" as it is called in the hearing community but I am proud of who I am and what I've accomplished thus far. I have the most amazing husband in the world and four beautiful children that I have been blessed to call my own here on earth. I have done well as much as I could handle and if my parents don't understand that then they have much to learn. And when I die I hope that God will approach me and say " Thou hath done well, my faithful servant."

The Project turned upside down

Ever since Adam had back surgery he hasn't been able to help me lift or carry stuff which I am glad he isn't. No way I want him to go back for a second surgery. These last couple of days I had been feeling like superwoman taking on all these stuff such as oh I don't know like putting together a storage shelf together from Ikea. I went into to Ikea and bought an Expedit shelving unit for our basement which I have been wanting for about a year to organize all the kids toys. Last night I was working along on carrying all the shelf pieces downstairs and putting it together. I even was listening to music and talking to myself to keep myself company while hubby was away at the gym working out his biceps. ;0) In the middle of the putting together, hubby came home and made a snack for us tomato cooked up with cheese on top. *yum* Afterwards I went back down to finish up then I got to the very last piece and was this --------- close to being done except.. I realized that I couldn't put in the screws to keep the board together. It was like gravity was holding it apart. So out of frustration I pounded the screws in whether it was in the instructions or not. Oh by the way I looked through the whole box and no I repeat no instructions at all was found in the box! I stepped back to look at my supposedly masterpiece being all proud of myself being the handyman and all. I felt my ego squished like a bug when I realized why the screws wouldn't go through in the first place. As you can see in the picture above you can see me and stupidity.;D

The brown part of the board was suppose to be the top part of the shelving unit so this afternoon I had to take apart the whole blasted thing and set it up again.

Here it is all prepped up for organizing THE toys. :)

Even though it may just be my sister and I reading my post it's good therapy for me to write my feelings down on days that I can sit here at the computer. It's also a nice way of keeping a journal.

Anyway pardon the mess of our basement, nighty night.

Cupid's day

I love Valentine's Day, it's the

day to celebrate LOVE. My

Adam took me out to Rodizio's

Grill at noon while my sister

and mom watched our boys.

He surprised me with the most

gorgeous flowers I have ever seen.

It was so nice to have the smell

of flowers wavering to our noses

while we ate. We had a grand

time talking about a variety

of stuff without any interruptions, of course

no pun to our children. Nice to have time spent with

just him without the mommy this mommy that.

Our favorite food was the pineapple and

beef and especially the dessert at the end.

We had what was called

Rabanada which consisted of a cinnamon pastry-churro style,

the best dessert on earth!

After the lovely date, we went back to pick up

our girls from school. We headed over to my sister's house and

found my mom had laid Alimaka for nap. We decided to leave him

asleep and take our girls along with Tommy to a movie called

Hugo which was the most boring movie that Adam and I have

ever encountered. Ah but it was nice to sit with the kids eating popcorn

and rootbeer. Thanks to my amazing sister and mom for willing

to watch our kids all day so we could have a fantastic Valentine's!

Happy Valentine's Day to all the world, may it have been a grand

day!

Here are the pictures of our baby

wearing an onesie I found at Target that

I couldn't resist even though it was

a size 6 mos. It was worth buying because it

fit him perfectly!

Thomas and Thomas

I know I said that I would focus

on the now but got to thinking

that there is nothing wrong with

picking up from the past. I felt

that the last post I did yesterday

was a bit morbid so decided to uplift

my blog by posting pictures of Tommy's 2nd

birthday last year May 26, 2011.

We celebrated his day by taking

him, his baby brother, and two sisters

for a ride on Thomas the train in

Heber, UT. Tommy was and still

in love with trains just like his

daddy and uncle. The whole train ride Tommy

was glued to the window watching as we past

houses, buildings, the countryside. He was in train

heaven.

I am having a bit of a problem

with posting pictures since it has only been

my second time since 6 years ago. Ack, I need

my sister's help since she is an expert at

this stuff. Well bear with me and enjoy

the pictures. :)

Life is precious

Well here I am again feeling like I wanted to get all of the stuff out of my mind. It's nice to have a journal to turn to when my mind is racing with all sorts of things. Yesterday I woke up the girls for their usual get ready for school routine then Keona came up to me saying she wasn't feeling well. She claimed she had a sore throat and didn't feel up to going to school. I told her she would have to stay on couch the whole day with nothing to do and she said okay. I decided that she should have medicine and take her anyway and she had a huge fit. She was crying so hard that her whole little body was shaking and couldn't even put clothes on. I saw Keona sitting at the island counter looking all miserable and I was thinking perhaps i was hard on her so I asked her if she was avoiding school. One thing led to another and the puzzle was put together and realized that Keona didn't want to go to school because of her substitute teacher. Her teacher was in the hospital because of her pregnancy so I am assuming it is because she needs to be on bed rest so she won't be coming back for awhile. Keona misses her and says the substitute teacher is very strict. I hope her teacher comes back, it isn't easy for kids to have changes like that.

I had been contemplating since yesterday late afternoon when Adam notified me that Eva's flute teacher was in an accident on Monday. She was driving with her two children and got hit by a cement truck near my parents house. The teacher (Melissa) is currently in the ICU and her two year old daughter died when arrived at Primary children's hospital after being airlifted there. Her 9-10 month old baby boy was injured but is doing fine. I just cannot stop thinking about Melissa and cannot imagine or ever want to imagine what she must be going through the loss of a child. Her daughter was named Mary and she came several times with her mom and brother to teach Eva her flute lessons. Mary was an adorable red-headed two year old who adored our dog Haole and loved to play with him and with our son Tommy who is also two. When Adam told me my heart stopped and I couldn't breathe then I looked at our Tommy and just was heartbroken for Melissa. I just held on to my son and was thinking Melissa isn't able to hold onto her daughter anymore. I held onto my girls and Alimaka as well, life is precious.

Tommorrow I have a cat scan to check out my Sacroiliac joint to see if that's where my pain is generating from. I am so exhausted from constant pain and hope dr finds something to resolve and cure my pain like it has for Adam. The doctor told me surgery is not an option for me and physical therapy is all that can be done at this time. I wish I didn't have to depend on medication and the pain would miraculously disappear but that's wishful thinking. Well off to bed I go, I got to get up between 7-8am since my cat scan is at 8:30am. Lovely. Good night.

Lisa

The Schafer clan has been revived

Here I am reviving my blog from the dead, it has been five years since I posted my last and only blog when my girl Keona (our second daughter) was two and half years old. Now here she is 6 years old. How sad is that? Well anyhow, it's nice to be back! Instead of trying to recapture the last five years, I am just gonna start anew starting today which is all I can do. I want to make a goal to keep this blog going at least once a week.

In just two days my son Alimaka will be 10 months and in just two months he will hit the one year mark which I have mixed feelings of. It's not that I don't want him to grow and develop, I just want to hold on to the baby stage. Babies grow so awfully fast and it's unstoppable, I am trying to treasure every moment whether he is crying because he is teething or whether he's asleep in my arms. It's all the same, those precious kodak moments. But no matter when he becomes one, two, three, etc.. I will still treasure him as do i with our other three children.

Thomas/Tommy or as what we call him Tom-Tom is gonna hit the three year mark in four months. No matter how many tantrums he has per day, he melts my heart. He follows me wherever I go. If I am doing laundry, he comes into the laundry room and enjoys watching me throw clothes into the washer and watch the dryer go round and round. He does this high voice when he's excited "Oh look mommy, it's going round." There never goes a day without him entertaining us with something he says or does. He adores his sisters and wherever his sisters go he must tag along. If his daddy leaves, he has a meltdown. He is daddy's boy and he is also mommy's boy.

Keona or nona as what Tommy calls her will hit the seven year mark in five months and next year she will be baptized! Oh how time flies. She is the most affectionate of all of our children and she would just jump up on you and just hold on however long you let her. She would grab her sister from behind at lunchtime and Eva would threaten her that if she doesn't let go she won't get a unicorn for her birthday. Hmm bribery? The things kids concoct with these days.. Keona loves her 1st grade teacher and looks forward to each day of school. She has a best friend name Maddie whom she just adores and looks forward to each playmate she has with her.

Eva or ara as what Tommy calls her will hit the ten year mark in six months. She is the most responsible and mature of all of our children. She loves to read until she falls asleep which explains her IQ and the way she thinks. She never ceases to amaze us with the kind of conversations we have with her. There are times where I feel like I am talking to an adult, her mind just blows me away. She adores her brothers and sister, she would bend over backwards for each of them (Daddy here. That is true. Eva was the first person in this life to touch Ali as he was being born. Eva was there for his first breath, and she dotes on Ali, Nona and Tom-Tom.) She loves to socialize and has a variety of friends from different nationalities. She's very close with all her cousins.

My other half is Adam and no joke, he and I seem to be made from the same cloth. If he gets sick, I get sick. He knew the same people I knew growing up; he and I were both raised oral (reading lips our whole lives) and then learned sign language later in life. We both went on missions, both are the middle children in our families, both of us love to travel and go on road trips.

Well as for now I shall close. Until tmmw, this is just the beginning.

Lisa