To live or live without pain is the question

 There are days where I feel I can do this and then some days I can't do it, I feel imbalanced and I hate that feeling. To live or live without the pain is a question everyday I have to face. I feel like it is a constant struggle and fight to even get out of bed to do the everyday routine to do's.  My back surgery has helped but slowly and I need to give it time to heal, I just have a hard time waiting. I have to buck up and deal with the pain and even it it means I can't do everything I want or need to do. I had forgotten what it was like to live completely without pain; I had forgotten what it was like to run; I had forgotten being able to feel alive. I don't want to feel helpless and unable to do anything, it is not my happy place.  
I tried going through my mind of what I did just before my car accident that changed our lives forever. I came up with only one thing which was I went to Arby's to get late night snacks for hubby and I. Was it really necessary I went so late; really necessary to have risk being hit by a drunk driver or anyone?  What could have I been thinking that was so normal before all of this happened? I remembered Tommy was two months old, I must have remembered something vivid of his expression right before he went to sleep. I honestly cannot remember what I was doing that whole day of the accident, I hoped I did an aerobic session then that means I at least did something active before it all went down for me. I had hoped I enjoyed my day before fate changed me. I hoped I smiled and saw my husband smiled or one of our children smiled before the evening came. I hoped I had the window down and felt the summer wind blow on my face before I was hit. Then I can say I at least had the feeling of being alive even for a little while. There is a quote I remembered from the movie Moulin Rouche "It is better for us to have love than not to love at all" I changed to a quote i heard somewhere "it is better for us to have lived than to not live at all."  I may not feel alive right now but hope to be someday when my back is completely healed. I hope that life might somewhat be back to what it used to be or better than. I was able to put up Christmas lights and watch my kids put up tinsel and ornaments today which brought me into a lively spirit. It is the little things that count and so I am counting that towards my grateful to be alive list. Like Shakespeare says "To be or not to be," this quote has always placed value in a piece of my mind meaning we choose what to be and what not to be. Right now I am choosing what I don't want to be but sooner than later I am finding myself facing the music of what to be and that is to live with the pain.