"There isn't any work for me out there in the field." Is it because I failed as a missionary i disgraced my parents? Is it because I got married in the temple to an amazing and wonderful husband that I failed my parents? It has been stewing for quite some time apparently enough for my parents to actually say to my face that I haven't been doing my part in teaching my children to walk in the ways of our God. Yes tonight I got in yet another fight with my parents all because I thought they were a little overprotective of my children just because they were walking about twenty feet to our van to get their backpacks. My dad actually said that I haven't been doing everything right and that I am basically going astray. What in their right minds would actually cause them to even think that of me? I try my uttermost hardest to stay on the right path so okay maybe I don't read the scriptures every night. My mom said that I better not move by my brother Erik because then he will see how terrible we are for not reading scriptures every night. Wow such a spiteful thing to say to her own daughter, her own flesh and blood. How on earth would they even know what we are doing 24 hrs 7 days a week. Do they have a camera showing our every move what we do with our spare time? Seriously.. Even when Adam is sick I dedicatedly take our kids to church no matter how hard it is to take four children even with my health problems on the side. We try to do family home evening every monday and then from time to time we get thwarted because Adam has school or studying. In my parents eyes if we miss one family home evening lesson we are sinners. I don't think I will ever understand my parents as long as I live and vice versa until the other side. I am being constantly compared to my sister and brother, they are according to my parents eyes are doing everything right and I am scum of a tree that has been chopped down. I am tired of this fight of proving that I am just as good as them, therefore black sheep is my name. If my parents are not going to accept my decisions, my life then I need to sever my relationship with them. I cannot continue being a puppet to them living for them. Either they accept me as I am and that I am simply "doing the best I can" then goodbye. More and more I am convinced that it's the right thing to do to move to Washington so my husband and I can have a fresh start and actually afford to live again.
I am what I am that I may not waver, i don't know if that is part of a quote from someone famous but felt like saying it because it fits how i feel. I, Lisa may have changed but it does not mean my spirituality has left me. It has always been with me guiding me in every aspect of my life no matter what anyone says. My parents cannot stand the fact that I am independent of them, they want me to be forever dependent on them. Well what happened was that I got married and now I cleave to my husband as it should be according to the scriptures. We are one ordained under God as it should be. We right each other. We all make mistakes and like my brother said to me tonight is that we are all dealing with our own shortcomings and all of us have room to improve. So why mom and dad do you guys put me on such a short leash expecting so much from me when I can only do so much to survive and to help my family survive? I may not have my two ears but I have goodness inside me whether you think there isn't. I know right from wrong. I am what I am and continue to follow HIM whether you don't think I am. I am faithful in HIM whether you don't think I am. I am imperfect whether you think i am or not.
Every time I choose something my mom automatically thinks it affects my sister whether she likes it or not. I can't live for my mom, can't live for my sister or brother but can live for my own family as it should be. I dream a dream that I may be perceived as good as my siblings are but I won't place hope where it shouldn't be.
I am born as Lisa Levy and I am baptized as Lisa Levy but I am married as Lisa Schafer therefore my husband and kids come first before my parents as it should. I am sorry that I disgraced my parents for my so called hearing "loss" as it is called in the hearing community but I am proud of who I am and what I've accomplished thus far. I have the most amazing husband in the world and four beautiful children that I have been blessed to call my own here on earth. I have done well as much as I could handle and if my parents don't understand that then they have much to learn. And when I die I hope that God will approach me and say " Thou hath done well, my faithful servant."
4 comments:
We're not perfect either. We need to do better on scripture reading as a family. Mom can be a little judgemental with everyone. It's just her nature I think?
A little, sis? I say a lot!;0) Dad seemed just as bad as mom, they were seriously on one yesterday. Anyway thanks for saying we are not only ones that need to do better with scripture reading.
That is horrible Lisa. I can not believe your parents. You know what is best for your family. You are doing things right. I do not think you are any less of a person because of your hearing. You just get to turn things down when the kids are fighting or yelling. Ian and I are horrible about scripture study and family home evening. We do what we can do at any given time. I know that you are teaching your kids the right. I think sometimes our parents need to realize we are grown up and need to let go of our hands, and lets us do things on our own. Sorry life is hard a lot of the time because of others opinions. That is all they are, opinions. You are not what others say. You know your heart and so does our Heavenly Father, in the end He is the only one who can make judgements on us. You are a great mother , wife, friend, daughter and sister. I wish things were better with your parents. Moving will be a good thing for you. It will give you more freedom from the things that are tearing you down. We will miss you greatly, but your happiness is worth it. We love you and hope things get better.
Ellen,
Thanks so much for responding to my blog and for the compliments!! It means a lot. Things are much better with my parents, we worked things out. We just had to set up ground rules and had open communication. I think parents and kids have to just trust each other and know the other person can fulfill their role. You're right life is hard with everyone forming their own opinions and they are just opinions. What is important is that we understand one another and respect the other peoples spaces and lives.
We will miss you guys too when we move. Hope you guys can visit us there in Washington. I know we will be coming out to Utah often because of both the families. :) Love you guys!
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